Somewhere else in time and space, so far away it seems almost foreign now, there were these two cats that I adored very much. Eventually they got old and whatever goes with age happened, which is not always wisdom, yet I still adored them a lot. One day one was gone. She was there and suddenly she wasn't anymore, and I was not there to witness it. I still think I really lost something. On one hand I really didn't want to be there, yet I feel like I should have been there and cope with it, and overall I feel this emptiness; if I could I'd go back and do one more last thing to help, as if there was such a thing. One last nice gesture. One last call for some kind of closure.

A very long time ago, in another millennium and on another continent, someone told me I was cold and emotionless. That was as far from the truth as one can be. Yes it may look like this most of time, and it may sound like that too. But what's one to do when being totally overwhelmed? I could never find an adequate answer to that and a long time ago I decided nothing was the best choice of the worse cases. Cap your emotions and bury them in this void that you feel. Later maybe you'll know how to deal with them, unless they submerge you first. Or they may show up from time to time, back from their grave, under the form of anger, frustration or fear. The other option is to let them out first, yet I can't really allow that to happen -- I've done that once and quite frankly it didn't help, nor did people understood any better what the storm was about. It was rather devastating, and for all participants.

Another easy way to cap emotions is to rationalize them. It is as fake as hiding them under the carpet and eventually there's only so much you can rationalize.

Back to that first event there, I still feel this lack of closure. I could just burst in tears; maybe I'll do some day. But in between I can rationalize it out and just think that, relatively speaking, things could get much worse -- there are a number of people that gravitate around me that I value above almost anything, and life being what it is, I know sooner or later things will have to change, and quite frankly I'm not ready. Not now, not before and probably never will be.

And I don't think I'll be able to hold that one.